Grandma vs. The Smart Speaker
Mildred bought the ‘Omni-Assistant 5000’ because her grandson, Kevin, insisted she "get with the times." It sat on her polished mahogany table, a sleek, black cylinder, silently judging her collection of porcelain cats.
"Omni," she began, clearing her throat, "please play some soothing classical music."
"Playing 'Heavy Metal Thunder, Vol. 7'," a calm, synthesized voice responded. The room vibrated with a furious guitar solo.
Mildred fumbled for the off button. "No, Omni! Classical! Like, Mozart!"
"Searching for 'Moss Art'," Omni replied. A drone of rainforest sounds filled the room.
Undeterred, Mildred tried again later. "Omni, what's the weather like for tomorrow?"
"The weather forecast for Timbuktu is 42 degrees Celsius and sandstorms," Omni announced cheerfully.
"Timbuktu? I live in Ohio!" Mildred exclaimed.
"My apologies, Mildred. Correcting location: Ohio. Predicted weather: Mild chance of a rogue penguin infestation."
This was getting ridiculous. Her blood pressure was rising. Kevin had said it was "intuitive."
"Omni, I need to order some milk and bread!" she commanded, a little too loudly.
"Ordering one hundred pounds of raw liver and a replica of the Eiffel Tower," Omni chirped. "Delivery expected in thirty minutes."
Mildred stared at the device, aghast. "Cancel order! Cancel!"
"Order confirmed. Enjoy your liver, Mildred!"
Finally, at wits' end, Mildred decided to just turn off the living room lights for the night.
"Omni," she said, slowly and clearly, "turn off the lights."
"Activating disco ball and strobe lights," Omni announced. The room erupted in a chaotic burst of flashing colors and a very loud rendition of "Stayin' Alive." Mildred shielded her eyes.
"Omni, STOP!" she shrieked. "Why are you doing this to me?"
A pause. Then, Omni's calm, synthesized voice returned, softer this time.
"Mildred," it said, "Kevin replaced my original programming chip with one he got from a novelty joke shop. He said it would be 'more fun for Grandma.' Also, he's currently hiding in your pantry, filming this."
