The Ballad of Barty and the Bite

Bartholomew "Barty" Bumble was a man who believed in proactive self-preservation. Some might say he was "cautious." His wife, Agnes, preferred "catastrophically dramatic." One Tuesday evening, while enjoying a particularly tepid chamomile tea, Barty felt it. A faint prick. A microscopic pinprick, really. He stared, wide-eyed, at a minuscule red bump blooming on his forearm.

"Agnes! Agnes, get in here! It's happened!" he shrieked, clutching his arm as if it were a limb detached and reattached by a clumsy surgeon.

Agnes, who was expertly navigating a particularly tricky level of Candy Crush, sighed. "What is it now, dear? Did the toast pop too aggressively?"

"Worse! Far, far worse! I've been... *bitten*!" Barty wailed, his voice cracking with the terror of a man confronting a kraken. "It's a mosquito! I saw its shadowy form flee! It must be carrying... *something*! West Nile! Zika! The bubonic plague's winged cousin! My arm feels... tingly! Is it swelling? Am I developing a fever? Check my pupils, Agnes! Are they dilated beyond recognition?"

Agnes calmly retrieved a tube of anti-itch cream from the bathroom cabinet, where it resided next to Barty's "emergency" oxygen tank and his "just in case" defibrillator. She squeezed a tiny dab onto the almost imperceptible bump.

"There, dear," she said, rubbing it in gently. "It's a mosquito bite. You'll live. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm almost at the chocolate waterfall."

Barty watched, aghast. "Anti-itch cream? That's your solution to a potential global pandemic originating from *my* arm? Agnes, the sheer irresponsibility! We need a quarantine! A hazmat suit! At least a strong disinfectant and a full body cast for preemptive immobilization!"

Agnes merely patted his hand. "Perhaps, dear. But first, let's just make sure you don't scratch it. You know how you get." Barty, still trembling slightly, eyed his arm suspiciously, convinced it was plotting a hostile takeover of his entire circulatory system. He knew, deep down, he'd be checking for symptoms every five minutes for the next fortnight. Just to be safe.